A Profile of the Teenager

It's always important for parents to keep in mind what's happening to their children developmentally at each stage, and this is especially true when dealing with teenagers. Parents can expect to be constantly struggling with them over independence and safety issues. This is normal, common, and part of the healthful development of a teenager, and it can't happen without a tug of war, angry words, and angry tempers. It's the process that ultimately leads to the teenager and the parents letting go.

Friends reign in this period. Teenagers worry about who their friends are and whether they will be accepted. They often are preoccupied with where they stand socially. Because of this need for peer approval and acceptance by the "in-crowd", teenagers are extremely sensitive about their appearance. Their self-image is powerfully influenced by how they think their peers see them and about how they feel they fit the desirable image of a teenager presented to them by the pervasive and powerful media.

This is also a time of mood swings: Teenagers want to run their lives, but they still cannot. They feel competent at times, but afraid and insecure at others. At one moment they recognize that they still need help; the next moment, they get angry when parents treat them as anything less than mature adults. They are searching for their identity and trying to assert independence from parents and their parents' set of values. Most teenagers have found their opinionated voices, and are always trying to make a point or get what they want.

At this turbulent, inconsistent stage, as teenagers run from one emotional extreme to another, forbearance and even humor are often the best strategies for a parent. Teenagers are much more vulnerable to a world of drugs, alcohol, sexuality, eating disorders and affluence than when we were growing up. With the added peer pressures that affect them, we must be prepared and able to say "no" at the right time and model behavior to help teenagers be strong so that they can also make the often-difficult decision to say "no."

Parents often fall into two patterns of extreme reaction to their teenagers: Some get too involved in their children's lives; others don't get involved enough. Reacting to every inappropriate or offensive word, action, or attitude of a teenager is a recipe for disaster; sometimes a teenager just needs to blow off some steam. At the same time, a parent needs to realize that a teenager is still very much in need of guidance and needs to be told "no" to unreasonable requests.

Parents need to remember that the teenage years are perhaps the most tumultuous of stages. They need to understand when to let go and how to say what they are feeling without being punitive or harsh. At the same time, teenagers can rationalize and justify anything their friends want them to do with them and tell the parent, "You just don't understand." When this happens, parents need to make clear, "We do understand, but that's not an invitation to walk all over us!"